I have a secret. I've never told anyone the truth before. Every word out of my mouth on this particular subject has been a bold-faced lie. When I was in the sixth grade I started wearing make-up and trying to fit in with the popular crowd. I didn't care much what I looked like in fifth grade, I did't think I was pretty, but that was about the extent of my self conscious awareness of my own body. By sixth grade I desperately wanted to be popular, I tried to talk to the popular girls, I tried to sit with them at lunch, but there were only 7 people allowed at a table and every seat was taken, if I even looked at the chair at the table then one of the girls would inevitably chime in without so much a word from me, "You can't sit there, that's Kaleigh's seat." My only hope of sitting with them at lunch was for one of the regular girls to be absent. In seventh grade there was this new boy at our school, James. He was without a doubt the most popular boy among the girls in our school. Everyone had a crush on him, he was one of the pretty boy athletic guys. He was cute though. I never really gave him a secocnd thought until one of my friends came up to me in the hallway and told me that she found out that he had a crush on me. I was shocked, to say the least. No one except the geeky fat boy in class had ever had a crush on me or shown the slightest interest in me. But here the most popular boy in the entire school liked ME! Within only a few days word spread through the school and I was instantly popular. Everyone was tlaking about me and for the first time in my life it was GOOD. I was voted most fashionable and people began to invite me to parties and my life took off. I was so happy. Then came eighth year. This year started out fine, but after only a few weeks I was suspended from school for the first time. I had been experimenting with smoking cigarettes and had even found some of my father's weed, and of course I made the mistake of telling two of my good friends. They were pissed, I expected them to be curious and want to know what it was like, but they were just angry with me for smoking. One began telling people at school that I was a "junkie" for smoking pot once. In all fairness, it was a couple TINY roaches that were like 20 years old. I wouldn't become a junkie for a year or two yet. My other friend and sort of boyfriend brought a tape recorder on the bus one morning and made a scene about me smoking. He claimed that he didn't me anything by it, but about 15 fifth graders went to the office and told on me. I didn't even have cigarettes on me and they still suspended me. I no longer speak to this boy, I thought I loved him but it was just a school girl crush; years later I would have a month long (or so) affair with him and then never hear from him again. As a result of my suspension, my mother forced me to go to therapy, where they put me on Zoloft, which actually made me so depressed that I didn't give a fuck about what was goig on around me. I wasn't happy, I was sad, I wasn't angry, I didn't feel ANYTHING. It sucked and I stopped taking it. By Christmas I had begun having some major issues with my body image. I was conviced that while I wasn't fat, I wasn't thin enough. I was probably about 5'4" and 107-115 pounds. Not in the least over weight, but my thighs were kind of shaky and chunky to me and my tummy bulged. My father always had a pot/beer belly and I guess I kind of inherited it. It is really hard for a teenage girl to accept the fact that she's unattractive. In order to slim my tummy down a bit I tried to "diet." At first I tried to eat nothing but fruit, but this was too unrealistic. Soon I decided to try a non diet. My strategy here was to eat nothing. At first I found that nearly impossible to do, and I would not eat in the mornings but by the afternoons i would come home and binge. Since I was already getting more than my daily alloted calorie amount, I had to do something to counter balance it. My new weight loss plan was to eat whatever I wanted to and then I would vomit it back up. I didn't do this but for a few weeks as it was getting smelly with all that vomit around and I was also afraid that my mother would find it. It's much easier to hide not eating anyhting than it is to hide 20 pounds of vomit. I quit caring so much in the 8th grade about being popular. As long as they didn't hate me I was fine with them. I remember going to Christmas dinner at a friend's house and then as soon as I got home I started to induce vomit. Bulimia is so gross!
By highschool I had become a little more depressed than usual. Over winter break I think I locked myself in my room and did nothing but eat for two and half weeks. By February I hit my peak weight of 122 pounds. I was sick of gaining weight and was determined to make a change. I quit eating, no breakfast, no lunch, no dinner. Nothing. Over the next year and a half I would steadily lose weight. Finally, by December of my junior year I was sick. I felt miserable all the time and finally began seeking the help of doctors after my boyfriend and I broke-up. At 16 years old, 5'4", I weighed only 86 pounds. I was 22 pounds underweight and had lost a total of 36 pounds. Now I just want to get my weight down to 95-100 pounds. I just want my tummy pooch to go away. As of current, I haven't eaten a damn thing since Wednesday. I have a secret, I am anorexic. Even my doctors said that if I was anorexic than I was the best they've ever seen at concealing it. What can I say, I guess I'm the best.